I like rules. Big fan of them. I’ve heard that there are three kinds of “rules” people. 1) The guy who follows all the rules, and writes them 2) The guy who pushes the boundaries of the rules, and questions them 3) The guy who blazes forward until the rules yank him back, and denies their existence. I am the first guy for sure.
I have had rules all my life. Still do. Some are regulated by my job, some by society, several by my family, and quite a few I have established for myself. So it’s natural for me to insist that people around me follow rules. They are important to me, and I really think that if more people followed the rules, life would be better. Take lines for example. People getting in lines anywhere, for any reason, you see why rules are important. 10 items or less/fewer, merge now, EZ Pass only, members only, etc. When people follow the rules, things work. For the most part.
As a Dad, I love rules. Bedtime is at 8:00PM, no eating downstairs, clean up after yourself, can’t watch that, can’t do that, can’t say that, don’t you ever even think about waking Mom and Dad up on Saturday before 9:00AM. As the kids get older, the rules change. Some get more specific, some go away, more get added – the family rule book is pretty much written in pencil and we are constantly making amendments.
One rule we have had is really important –
“Don’t ask Why.”
“Why” is disrespect. It’s rebellion. It’s the beginning of anarchy. I never got to question why – and neither do you. I’m the parent, that’s why, now stop talking, finish your dinner, and chew with your mouth closed (the most holy of all rules).
And yet this question, asked properly, is not an act of defiance or of disobedience – but a plea for understanding. A request for knowledge. A desire to continue to obey and respect authority in wisdom, not ignorance.
I have heard this question several times from my oldest. Little punk. Why do I need to go to bed at 8:00PM? Why is my screen time limited to just two hours a day? Why do I have to clean the bathrooms twice a week? Why this and why that. It’s hard to read all these Why questions without hearing disrespect – but he legitimately does the asking at the right time and in the right spirit. More or less.
As adults, we understand the ‘why’ behind most of life’s rules. Speed limits makes sense – drive too fast and you can die and kill others around you, crosswalks are good – need to be able to get across the road at a safe place, and who can deny the benefit from gender specific restrooms? Protecting women everywhere from seeing, smelling, and hearing things that would traumatize them for years. We get the why, because either someone explained it to us – either calmly or angrily, or because we figured it out for ourselves.
It’s at this exact time in my son’s life that my authority is on the same plane as my influence, that our relationship is just as important as my rules. And soon, as he continues to grow, influence and relationship will win out over authority and rules. Rules will never go away or be unnecessary, but they won’t be the driving force in a lot of decisions he makes in his life.
If we as adults and authority, at this crucial junction in their lives, work harder on developing our relationship with the youth around us, the work of enforcing rules will take care of itself.
Don’t believe me? Let me ask you this –
When was the last time you disobeyed a rule? Broke the speed limit? Jaywalked? Parked in a no parking area? Fifteen items in a ten item lane? When was the last time you were called out for breaking that rule – got a ticket or a fine, or an angry look from a cashier? You get a slap on the wrist, you shrug it off and move forward.
Now when was the last time you disappointed someone you cared about? An authority figure or mentor? A parent or maybe even a good friend? How easy was it to shrug that one off?
I don’t like disobeying a rule, but I hate disappointing someone. It gnaws at me and prods me to do whatever I can to restore that relationship. A broken rule – I’ll just try not to break that again (or get caught breaking it again). A broken relationship – I’ll never want to go through that again.
So how do we develop our relationships?
- Love on the youth around you. Be appropriate, but be genuine. At the end of the day, they want love and affection more than anything else. It’s not a physical connection – but an emotional one. Know what’s going on with them and what is important to them. Listen to them.
- Respect them as adults. That’s kind of tough, because we see us in them and remember what a screw up we were, but they are not incompetent. They are just as physically and mentally capable of anything we are. Most things are just legal for us. If an adult respectfully challenges a rule, we hear them out. Do the same for our youth and give them the respect of an honest answer.
- Give them a chance. I firmly believe that if you give a teenager an ounce of responsibility, they will repay it with a pound of success. Set the bar high for youth – and work alongside them – and you will be amazed at how much they will do and how hard they will work.
Do I have rules for the youth I interact with? Absolutely. Always will. But the rule I have for myself, is to double the effort of establishing a relationship with each one, over the effort of enforcing the rules.
At the end of the day, it’s a relationship that will keep them close to us, it’s a relationship that will keep them close to Christ.
Let’s work on it.
Just Dan Grant 