Just Dan Grant

I hope that I don’t give off the impression that I write because somehow I have arrived, or that I know so much about my topics that knowledge is just oozing out of my pores. Couldn’t be farther from the truth. As this post will reveal, if you didn’t guess already, I struggle.

As adults, we often try to defend/excuse our actions, character, or decisions whenever they are called into question. Our defense is often based on our life’s influences – who raised us or where we lived and so on.

I have run into this several times. I have been known to be a tad sarcastic, I find humor in many things, and I have played the odd practical joke on unsuspecting individuals. But I can reason all that away for sure. If you have met either side of my parent’s families, I would get a pass. You have never met a more sarcastic, fun loving, prank playing group in your life.

Take my grandfather for example – my mother’s father. I miss that man every day. If I had someone to blame for my practical joke endeavors, all the fault would go to him. I mean the guy would plant bamboo in a friend’s yard because he knew that once it took, it would spread like crazy and is almost impossible to eradicate by conventional means. He was known for messing with people on a constant basis, and usually just using whatever was around him.

The wit that surrounds both sides of my family is a force to be reckoned with. You have to watch every single word you say around them or it’s coming right back at you. Any word misspoken could haunt you for years! My family has had a direct impact on who I am today. The good, and the bad. But just because my grandfather once tied a grass snake to a pull string for a light – so that the next person who tried to turn on the light got a snake wrapped around their arm – does not give me an out to do the same. But at the same time – beware.

I think a lot of times we lean on how we were raised or who raised us like a crutch to give us an excuse for our current behavior. “Well my mom was like this or did this, so I am like this.” or “In my house things were like this, so you can’t expect me to do the right thing.” even “like father, like son”. It’s our get of jail free card, our “please excuse me, I don’t know any better” response to criticism.

Can I submit that our parent’s actions, choices, and methods do impact us – but they do not define us.

If they defined us, they would be as inescapable as our hair color, eye color, skin color, stature, or blood type. Those things are passed down whether we like it or not – and I know some of us would rather that they didn’t! Our parents hereditary physical traits define us. But their personal character traits do not.

Let me get specific. Let me get real and transparent. But you don’t judge me and I won’t judge you – deal?

I struggle with anger. Especially towards my kids. Even as I type this, it brings shame and embarrassment. I want to stop and go apologize to my kids for my anger – past, present, and future. I’ve had to apologize many times for my lack of patience and control. Now let me be clear – I have never been physically or verbally abusive in any way. I have never disciplined in anger or threw insults and called them names in a fit of rage. But I have been so mad at their actions or reactions that I have had to walk away. I’ve grounded them without knowing the full story of what happened. I’ve raised my voice to make it clear that I was not at all happy with what they have done or said. I have been impatient with them when they are just being kids, been irritated when they are just trying to include me in their life, and have been insistent that they jump when I bark. My course in disciplining has, at times, made them more angry at me than upset with their wrongdoing.

Pretty sure the Bible says something specific about not provoking your kids to anger.

And this is where the excuses, reasoning, and “logic” comes in. “Well this is how I was raised and it worked for me” or “I am no where near as bad as my parents were” and ” If I did that when I was a kid, I would have gotten worse” like any of those are a justification for sin.

I want to say right now, that I am in no way calling my parents out for how they raised me. That is between them and God. Last I checked, I am the man I am today because of them. The day I start pointing out their faults as parents, I am just adding to my own. I am only called to honor my parents, not humiliate them. Plus if I had to raise a kid just like me, I would have “lost” him in a Walmart years ago.

I believe every generation is going to have to raise their children with different methods than the last generation or next one. The principles remain the same, but as the world changes, so will the things that parents have to do to make sure their kid turns out okay. It’s a different world than the one you were raised in.

I also believe that what the Bible says about parenting applies to all generations without exemption. Bringing up your children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, exercising the Fruit of the Spirit, being an example to these little ones in word, conversation, and deed. All of these have to be the core of our parental practices.

Bottom line is, I can’t make excuses for my failures as a parent. I simply have to own them and do better. I can’t blame my parents or anyone else for how I act today. It’s on me.

So here’s a test. A self-check up if you will. Ask your kids. Ask them how you are doing as a parent. Take them somewhere you can talk, make a meal at home, sit on the couch, or whatever you need to do to be alone, and ask them some questions –

• Am I angry : all the time, some of the time, rarely?
• How often do I raise my voice in a day?
• Do you feel like I listen to you?
• Are there any times that I really disappoint you?
• Have I lied to you about anything?
• Do you feel like I keep my promises?
• If you were to give me a grade as a parent, what would I get? A,B,C,D or F?

Hopefully you get the results that you think you will. Granted, some of us don’t need the kids to take the test if we will be honest with ourselves. But if your kid gives you a grade that’s lower than you like – don’t get upset – that’s an automatic fail. Instead, work on yourself. Check your responses and reactions, and work to bring that grade up!

Kids will always give you a chance to do the right thing. This past Saturday, they whipped up a prime opportunity for a parental meltdown. Our oldest has gotten into the phase of making breakfast – and he’s done pretty well with eggs. This time he decided to make pancakes. So, he took my wife’s Pampered Chef stone, greased it, and place in on top of the oven, turning the large burner on to heat it up. I guess he intended to use it like a griddle and cook up these pancakes. Well, once that stone got nice and hot, one of the kids leaned on it (still not sure how they did that without getting burned) and it shattered into pieces. My wife has had that thing for years and it was just getting to that perfect seasoning level that she wanted.

But somehow, without shouting, berating, or anger, we corrected the kids, cleaned up the mess, and moved on with life. Lessons were learned, discipline was handed out, pancakes were made, and breakfast was eaten. Despite their failure, we didn’t add to the failure. This time.

Imagine if God failed us every time we failed Him? Let’s take a lesson from how He parents and love on our children. No excuses.