Just Dan Grant

Man if I had a nickel for every time a girl told me that growing up – I would have a lot of nickels. Or – “you remind me of my brother“. That was always the most positive and negative statement a young man could hear in high school. Total ego buster – and the fastest way to find out if a girl really liked you or not. Which more often than not – they did not. I tell teens now that I didn’t date in high school to make it look like I took some high moral road. I was good with dating – but most girls I knew just really wanted a good friend – one just like a brother. The “let’s just be friends” was a dreaded one for sure.

But you know who I never heard that from? My parents.

Never once did my Dad pull me aside to confide in me that he wasn’t looking for an actual son to parent, he just wanted a good buddy. My mother never placed a premium on our friendship over her responsibility to our true relationship.

Now before you think my parents didn’t like me or want to spend time with me, let me set that straight – they didn’t. My first evidence is in that they had more children. I am the oldest, so by my reasoning, they started out well and then messed everything up. From the stories I have heard, if I was such a good and easy baby, there was no need to complicate a good thing. My second evidence is that they were always sending me away – “go outside, go to your room, go to bed, go do your chores”. It’s like they needed a break from me – or it was my siblings once again fouling things up.

Obviously I am exaggerating quite a bit. I wouldn’t have a fraction of the life and good times I have had, if it weren’t for my siblings, and if I had a kid just like me (come to think of it I do…), I would send him somewhere to do something on a regular basis as well.

My point is that my parents were, in fact, parents. For the first twenty something years of my life – really until I graduated from college – I had no disillusions about who they were in my life. They set parameters, provided instruction, and followed through with discipline when necessary. And it was necessary. Quite a bit actually.

They knew what their primary responsibility was. Now, we had a lot of fun and I have dozens and dozens of stories of good times that we had together. There was a good friendship there – under the umbrella of their parenting. My Dad and I fished and hunted together, would ride our mountain bikes for miles through the woods, we worked on projects together, and did a bunch of good old fashioned father/son stuff. But at the end of the day he was still my Dad. My authority. My mother and I made countless trips to the store together, played board games, we also went fishing together with my grandfather, cooked together, and all manner of mother/son things. All while still maintaining that she was my Mother, and was to be obeyed and respected. Or “just wait until your Father gets home“.

They had a friendship with their son, but not at the expense of their responsibility as parents.

There are a lot of us – myself included, at times – who place a premium on our children liking us as a friend over respecting us as a parent. There’s a definite balance, and I am seeing that it tips one way or another depending on the age of a child, the phase of life that they are in, and often the state of mind that they are in. I can parent as a friend, but more often than not, I have to parent as an authority.

I am finding that a request from a friend carries less weight than a directive from a parent. My children are in more need of a parent right now than a friend. There’s a real danger in maintaining, even protecting a friendship with your child instead of reinforcing your role as a parent.

I have watched a parent of a teenager make a seemingly passive request to their teen, and the teen is quick to answer that request positively. That tells me that for years, the parent cultivated a relationship in which the child knew they were loved, but that they must obey. At the same time, I have watched a parent issue a directive to their teenager, only to have their directive ignored altogether, because at an early age their child had a relationship with a friend – not a respect for a loving authority.

Now, that is looking at a situation from the outside in and a compliant or rebellious teenager can make all the difference in that situation. But I do know for a fact that when my children are young, I have a lot of authority in their life, but little influence. As they get older, my ability to exercise total authority decreases and my need to develop influence increases. So while they are young, I establish that authority, and as they grow, I develop a friendship with them – but that friendship is not a priority until they are mature enough to recognize the dual role I can play in their life.

As I spend time with my parents now, in my late 30’s, I spend time with a couple of friends. They can make suggestions – and recommendations, but their real authority ended years ago. Now if they called me today and told me that they needed or wanted me to do something, I would be hard pressed to tell them no. Mostly because I wouldn’t want to disrupt that relationship, but also at the back of my mind, they are still my parents.

The friendship that we crave with our children will not come to fruition if we aren’t willing to first and foremost be their parents during the first half of their lives. They will resent and disrespect your efforts to be a friend when you need to be a parent. They will respect and appreciate your desire to be their parent when they become your friend.

So be the friendliest parent you can be. But still be a parent. They will thank you for it some day…