Just Dan Grant

We had one of those moments today with our oldest. He was involved in a little rec league basketball program that wrapped up today. They had an all-star game, and he made the team for that! He’s already achieved a milestone that I never did at his age, or my current age for that matter.

So they played today, and he got subbed in about half-way through the game and played for a minute or two. During that time, he managed to slam the ball into the underside of the basketball rim in an attempt to make a lay-up. Not his finest basketball moment. Halftime saved him from further embarrassment, and he was riding the plastic pony (the bench) for the rest of the game.

His team ultimately lost, by two points, and I could tell he was pretty dejected as they went through the “good game” line at the end. I called him over to cheer him up – I thought that maybe his rim shattering lay-up attempt crushed his spirit, or maybe a teammate said something, or maybe he was wearing the wrong shorts – apparently that’s a thing. Wrong on all counts. As soon as he got to my side of the court, he blurted out the reason for his demeanor – “I only got to play for like one minute! Everyone else played almost the whole game!”

So now I have a few choices as a parent. Do I feed the emotion he is wallowing in, from this injustice, by expressing my own anger towards the coach, ref, or director? Do I correct his poor spirit, or do I take this opportunity to explain how real life actually works? Obviously, any one of these routes will have an effect on how he reacts to future injustices, so I have to choose wisely.

I chose the latter for this situation. Or the ladder. Whatever got me to the high road.

He has to understand that life is just chocked full of “injustices”. Just to name a few:

• Lines at the DMV. And the numbering system for who goes next.
• Lines at the grocery store when there’s 100 people waiting and two registers open.
• Lines in traffic when the right lane ends in 1,500 feet and some car flies up that closed lane to only have to merge at the end and cause longer lines.
• Lines in general.

How we react to those injustices define us as people – and followers of Christ as well. As I recall, the Bible is full of people who faced injustices and handled them extremely well. Thank goodness that Joseph didn’t fall all to pieces when his brothers chucked him into a pit. David didn’t curl up into the fetal position when Saul threw a spear at him. Twice. Still not sure why he went back for round two. Being crucified illegally was something Christ himself handled without complaint. Paul didn’t see the need to call it quits when he was stoned and left for dead.

Injustices happen. It is vital that our children learn to process them correctly. In this instance, I made a point to calmly and softly put his situation in a realistic light:

• First – did you make the all-star team? How many of your teammates did not make the cut?
• Second – you did play for a couple of minutes. As I recall, a couple of kids played for less.
• Third – here’s a couple of our high school varsity players. Ask them how it feels to ride the bench for an entire varsity game.

There’s always a desire as a parent to craft a perfect environment for their child so that they enjoy every aspect of everything and have the life we never did. I would submit that instead of creating the perfect life, we effort to give them the clarity they need to see each situation for the opportunity it can present – to learn, grow, and prepare for the next obstacle in front of them.

That’s not to say that we don’t follow up with an authority figure – coach, teacher, etc. and present them with the situation – allowing them to correct it, explain it, and learn from it themselves. But it isn’t an attack or fiery crusade meant to avenge our slighted child. People in authority aren’t perfect, they are just chosen to lead. Our children will always have an authority in their life – good, bad, or clueless, but they have to respect that authority and respond to life’s injustices with character, restraint, and maturity.

Let’s be fair to our kids and not deprive them of the opportunity to respond well when life is unfair.

I hope that I don’t give off the impression that I write because somehow I have arrived, or that I know so much about my topics that knowledge is just oozing out of my pores. Couldn’t be farther from the truth. As this post will reveal, if you didn’t guess already, I struggle.

As adults, we often try to defend/excuse our actions, character, or decisions whenever they are called into question. Our defense is often based on our life’s influences – who raised us or where we lived and so on.

I have run into this several times. I have been known to be a tad sarcastic, I find humor in many things, and I have played the odd practical joke on unsuspecting individuals. But I can reason all that away for sure. If you have met either side of my parent’s families, I would get a pass. You have never met a more sarcastic, fun loving, prank playing group in your life.

Take my grandfather for example – my mother’s father. I miss that man every day. If I had someone to blame for my practical joke endeavors, all the fault would go to him. I mean the guy would plant bamboo in a friend’s yard because he knew that once it took, it would spread like crazy and is almost impossible to eradicate by conventional means. He was known for messing with people on a constant basis, and usually just using whatever was around him.

The wit that surrounds both sides of my family is a force to be reckoned with. You have to watch every single word you say around them or it’s coming right back at you. Any word misspoken could haunt you for years! My family has had a direct impact on who I am today. The good, and the bad. But just because my grandfather once tied a grass snake to a pull string for a light – so that the next person who tried to turn on the light got a snake wrapped around their arm – does not give me an out to do the same. But at the same time – beware.

I think a lot of times we lean on how we were raised or who raised us like a crutch to give us an excuse for our current behavior. “Well my mom was like this or did this, so I am like this.” or “In my house things were like this, so you can’t expect me to do the right thing.” even “like father, like son”. It’s our get of jail free card, our “please excuse me, I don’t know any better” response to criticism.

Can I submit that our parent’s actions, choices, and methods do impact us – but they do not define us.

If they defined us, they would be as inescapable as our hair color, eye color, skin color, stature, or blood type. Those things are passed down whether we like it or not – and I know some of us would rather that they didn’t! Our parents hereditary physical traits define us. But their personal character traits do not.

Let me get specific. Let me get real and transparent. But you don’t judge me and I won’t judge you – deal?

I struggle with anger. Especially towards my kids. Even as I type this, it brings shame and embarrassment. I want to stop and go apologize to my kids for my anger – past, present, and future. I’ve had to apologize many times for my lack of patience and control. Now let me be clear – I have never been physically or verbally abusive in any way. I have never disciplined in anger or threw insults and called them names in a fit of rage. But I have been so mad at their actions or reactions that I have had to walk away. I’ve grounded them without knowing the full story of what happened. I’ve raised my voice to make it clear that I was not at all happy with what they have done or said. I have been impatient with them when they are just being kids, been irritated when they are just trying to include me in their life, and have been insistent that they jump when I bark. My course in disciplining has, at times, made them more angry at me than upset with their wrongdoing.

Pretty sure the Bible says something specific about not provoking your kids to anger.

And this is where the excuses, reasoning, and “logic” comes in. “Well this is how I was raised and it worked for me” or “I am no where near as bad as my parents were” and ” If I did that when I was a kid, I would have gotten worse” like any of those are a justification for sin.

I want to say right now, that I am in no way calling my parents out for how they raised me. That is between them and God. Last I checked, I am the man I am today because of them. The day I start pointing out their faults as parents, I am just adding to my own. I am only called to honor my parents, not humiliate them. Plus if I had to raise a kid just like me, I would have “lost” him in a Walmart years ago.

I believe every generation is going to have to raise their children with different methods than the last generation or next one. The principles remain the same, but as the world changes, so will the things that parents have to do to make sure their kid turns out okay. It’s a different world than the one you were raised in.

I also believe that what the Bible says about parenting applies to all generations without exemption. Bringing up your children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, exercising the Fruit of the Spirit, being an example to these little ones in word, conversation, and deed. All of these have to be the core of our parental practices.

Bottom line is, I can’t make excuses for my failures as a parent. I simply have to own them and do better. I can’t blame my parents or anyone else for how I act today. It’s on me.

So here’s a test. A self-check up if you will. Ask your kids. Ask them how you are doing as a parent. Take them somewhere you can talk, make a meal at home, sit on the couch, or whatever you need to do to be alone, and ask them some questions –

• Am I angry : all the time, some of the time, rarely?
• How often do I raise my voice in a day?
• Do you feel like I listen to you?
• Are there any times that I really disappoint you?
• Have I lied to you about anything?
• Do you feel like I keep my promises?
• If you were to give me a grade as a parent, what would I get? A,B,C,D or F?

Hopefully you get the results that you think you will. Granted, some of us don’t need the kids to take the test if we will be honest with ourselves. But if your kid gives you a grade that’s lower than you like – don’t get upset – that’s an automatic fail. Instead, work on yourself. Check your responses and reactions, and work to bring that grade up!

Kids will always give you a chance to do the right thing. This past Saturday, they whipped up a prime opportunity for a parental meltdown. Our oldest has gotten into the phase of making breakfast – and he’s done pretty well with eggs. This time he decided to make pancakes. So, he took my wife’s Pampered Chef stone, greased it, and place in on top of the oven, turning the large burner on to heat it up. I guess he intended to use it like a griddle and cook up these pancakes. Well, once that stone got nice and hot, one of the kids leaned on it (still not sure how they did that without getting burned) and it shattered into pieces. My wife has had that thing for years and it was just getting to that perfect seasoning level that she wanted.

But somehow, without shouting, berating, or anger, we corrected the kids, cleaned up the mess, and moved on with life. Lessons were learned, discipline was handed out, pancakes were made, and breakfast was eaten. Despite their failure, we didn’t add to the failure. This time.

Imagine if God failed us every time we failed Him? Let’s take a lesson from how He parents and love on our children. No excuses.

At first glance, some of you may have thought the title had a typo in it , and others thought I was making some kind of a statement that was rather unbecoming of a Youth Pastor. Hopefully you caught my intention on the first go around – but naturally I will explain myself.

One of the most impactful Bible stories of my life, and time in the ministry, is found in Exodus 17. Moses, the chosen leader of the children of Israel, sends Joshua, the mighty warrior and eventual successor to Moses, out to fight with the Amalekites. As the story goes, Moses stood on top of the hill while Joshua went and fought against them with the men he chose. While Moses kept his hands raised, Joshua prevailed against them, but as soon as his hands lowered, Joshua began to lose the battle. As Moses tired, they put a stone under him to sit on, and Aaron – Moses’s right hand man, and High Priest of Israel, rushed to his side to keep his arms raised. These three men – Moses, Aaron, and Joshua are at the forefront of the molding and shaping of the nation of Israel. Moses takes them out of bondage and to the promised land, Aaron leads the worship, and Joshua makes the dream a reality by taking them into the promised land. From Exodus to Joshua, they run the show!

But don’t forget that in this story, there is another dude that shows up when Aaron does.

Hur.

Not much is known about Hur, and half of what is know is speculation. We know he was there for this battle, and he shows up seven chapters later in Exodus 24 when Moses goes up to Sinai again. He tells everyone: I am headed up the mountain, if you have any issues, talk with Aaron. Oh yeah, Hur is there too. You can ask him if Aaron isn’t around or he’s making another golden calf or something. (Obviously I am paraphrasing and exaggerating). But regardless, at this battle, he makes his debut.

We know someone got the stone for Moses to sit on. He/they aren’t mentioned, Moses wasn’t paying attention to that, but if I had to put money on it – Hur had a hand in getting it there.

So he helps roll the stone up behind Moses, Moses takes a seat on this nice comfy rock and raises his hands up to the sky. In the valley below, Joshua brings the smack down once again on the Amalekites. Aaron comes alongside Moses and grabs his right arm (I guess). Hur is standing there looking at Moses, Aaron is standing there looking at Hur and he gives him that look that says “Bro. What are you doing? Grab his other arm!” Hur snatches Moses’ left arm and braces it for him, so Joshua can finish mopping the floor with these bums.

The battle won and the day over, Moses chronicles the story and erects an altar in praise to God. He gives Joshua a high five, they crash after a hard days work, and move on to the next adventure.

Hur goes back to what he does best. Whatever needs to be done. There’s no glory in it, hardly any recognition for it, but it brings everything together and the job gets done because of it. The children of Israel move forward and they are one step closer to God’s will.

A lot of guys want to be Moses. The big Kahuna, the chief, numero uno, the head honcho, Captain of the ship. Obviously someone needs to be. Someone needs to be the guy at the “top” that is getting his marching orders from God himself. The ship needs a Captain, the group needs a leader, the flock needs a shepherd. It’s got to be somebody, but it can’t be everybody. Don’t forget that even Moses himself spent some time at the low end of the totem pole until he was ready to be “The Guy”.

Wouldn’t be too bad to be Aaron either. He led the worship – the sacrifices, and offerings to God. He made sure all the steps were followed so that people could experience forgiveness and offer their praise and thanksgiving to God. He was front and center in the limelight, and was the best dressed around. Probably the cleanest too. I’m sure he smelled good for the services. He’s also Moses’ brother – and right hand man. You almost put the two together without thinking about it – Moses and Aaron, Aaron and Moses.

Or Joshua! He’s like the Captain America of the Israelites. All around good guy who is being groomed for bigger and better things. He follows Moses around all day long – if Moses were to have suddenly stopped walking, I bet Joshua would have run into the back of him. He’s intelligent, strong and capable, a natural leader, go – getter, and he gets to write the sequel to the best seller “The Torah”. Wow. What a guy!

But Hur?

First – arguably the worst name for a dude ever. Never came across that one in the baby name for boys.

Second – no one knows what he does. What’s his role? His title? Is he second in command? Third even? Both times we see him he’s hanging near Aaron – is he Assistant Worship Leader or Assistant to the Worship Leader? Does he have one specific job, or does he wear several hats? Is this a paid position or is he a volunteer?

Who knows. For that matter, who cares? I have the oddest feeling that Hur didn’t. Maybe he was just a guy that was there at the right place and the right time. Or he had a role and it was predominantly behind the scenes. The point is, he did what needed to be done, when it needed to be done, and he got the job done. He stood there all day holding Moses’ arm up with his face downwind of Moses’ armpit. All day in the sun, on his feet, until Joshua claimed victory, Moses wrote the story down for man to read forever, and Aaron lead the praise to God for the victory.

Hey – if you’re that guy in that ministry who keeps getting the nasty jobs, you’re wearing more hats than a coat rack, and the last time you got a “thank you” was in line at Chick-fila, consider yourself in good company. And stop whining about it. We can’t all be Moses, Aaron, or Joshua. Someone has to be around in the wings to make sure those guys can be who they need to be. You may not get any recognition on this side of eternity – so what! If you are living for that, you are in the wrong profession my friend.

So how do we find contentment in being that guy for a season, or even for life?

• Do what is in front of you to do. We tend to look at God’s will in a five to ten year plan, but I find it’s better to look at it on a daily basis. Sure, big picture, God wants me to do this or that or be this or that – but what does He need me to do today. Lead the congregation? Check. Clean up after the congregation? Double check. I am not saying you have to do everything, but don’t dismiss the necessary because it isn’t the preferred or ideal.
• Find contentment. I told my Pastor years ago that I would do anything he asked, from scrubbing toilets to teaching Sunday school. Maybe one of these blogs will be dedicated to the horror stories that revolve around things that have happened with toilets on this property. Whether it’s the best or the worst – I can honestly say that I have never gone home hating what I do. The little terrible thing you have to do on Wednesday makes the big awesome things possible on Sunday.
• Encourage others. I do think one of Hur’s biggest wins in this story is being there for Moses. He encouraged and lifted him up physically so he could keep pressing on. Be that for your coworkers, boss, fellow Pastors, etc. Know their vices and be a blessing to them when you can. If they are shouldering a load that is too heavy – help! Who cares if it isn’t your area! A need seen is an assignment given.

What an awesome thing we have to be a part of! Don’t lose sight of that!

If there is one parent panic moment that I hate more than any other, it’s that moment when you realize that you are one less kid than you should be. Kid swallows something, this too shall pass. Kid writes on something with permanent marker, odds are you can get it out. Kid sticks something somewhere it shouldn’t be, I can work with that.

But when they go on their own journey and leave the relative safety of where they should be – I hate that. The fear that grips your entire being, the overwhelming sense of helplessness is nauseating. I have even been in situations where someone else can’t find their kid and I get panicked for them.

Your mind goes to the worst case scenario possible. They’ve been abducted, they have fallen down a well, someone else has them and they are talking to child services, or they wandered into the DMV and got in line.

Needless to say, I like knowing where my kids are. We don’t have a perfect record – we have left a kid at church once or twice. Pretty sure we have gotten separated from one at the store. Definitely left one at a funeral home once.

(That’s actually a funny story. We were there for a viewing – there was a ton of people there. Our oldest daughter sat down to watch a slideshow on the tv with a bunch of other kids. When it was time to leave – there was still a ton of people – we corralled everyone, including an infant in a stroller, and loaded up the van. During that process, I got a phone call which lasted for a good 20 min. Sarah was taking care of the infant, and it was pretty quiet in the van because we had a movie on. We were 35 minutes down the road – still 5 minutes from the house – when one of the kids spoke up and informed us that we were one shy of a full van. The one who spoke up even confessed that he had noticed it from the beginning, but failed to say anything because he was distracted by the movie. And so we had to hustle back to the funeral home to pick up the rather content child who was still watching the slideshow.)

It happens.

While we put a priority on the physical location of our children, we are loosing them on a daily basis and they are wandering into some of the most dangerous scenarios imaginable all while sitting in their bedroom, in your house.

We are loosing them digitally.

As a family, we are on the start of this journey ourselves. The kids all got tablets for Christmas this year. It’s like Frodo just got the ring and he’s working his way through the Shire. He hasn’t hit Mordor yet, but it’s a-comin.

We took some precautions early on in the initial set up to keep them safe. They are linked to my wife’s account, so she can see what they are doing. We know what streaming apps they use and what games they play, but there is an awful lot they really don’t care about at this point. They don’t have a need to communicate, or to connect with social media. Thankfully their selfie game is not very serious either.

But there is danger nonetheless.

Did you know that the average age in which kids are exposed to pornography is just 11?! Eleven. These kids are still pretty convinced that the opposite sex still has cooties, and they are getting exposed to nudity.

How is this happening?

Sadly, for many, it’s because we have lost our kids online and they have been digitally abducted right under our noses. Worst part is, we haven’t even realized that they are gone.

As a parent – I hate panic moments – they are the worst. As a Youth Pastor, I hate that moment when a teenager’s mom and dad realize that their child has been lost somewhere digitally for weeks and months on end. The embarrassment, the shock, the fear that washes over their face is sickening. Then they wonder what can be done to repair the damage that this has caused, how do they get their child back on the right path and in the relative safety of their supervision?

Suffice to say, if your child/teen has a device, and that device is connected to the Internet, they need guidance. A lot of guidance. A lack of guidance would be foolish. It would be as foolish as dropping your child off in White Marsh, and telling them to walk through Baltimore and meet you in Ellicott City. Unsupervised and unchaperoned. No way! You say. That’s dangerous! How could you?!

Odds are your teen won’t have anything bad happen to them whilst walking through Baltimore by themselves – because you won’t let them do that. But I would bet that a child or teen with unfiltered Internet access will most likely end up in a world of hurt.

So how do you keep tabs on your child while they are online? The days of just making sure the computer is in the family room are gone. The devices are hand-held and wireless. So what do we do?

• Know what they have. Devices, Apps, and Accounts. Know what devices they have – even old devices that have internet access. Passwords should not be a mystery to you. Devices can be set up with parental controls that do not allow apps to be added or deleted without permission. If they have social media accounts, you should also be on that account.
• Know where they have it. Require that devices are used in plain sight. Many families require all active handheld devices to be left on the counter at bed time. Nothing is taken into the privacy of their bedroom. Nothing good happens on a smartphone after midnight.
• Know who they are with. Who are they following? Who is following them? Who do they communicate with? I know for a fact that many teens barely use actual messaging apps to communicate – but that they do so through social media, games, you name it.
• Know how much they are with it. Kids will be on a device until it dies, which actually takes awhile. The longer they stay on it, the more bored they get, the more tempted they get, the more exposed they get. Limit that time and encourage them to live an actual life.
• Know you can still manage this. At times, dealing with your child/teen on this digital frontier can seem extremely overwhelming. So just manage what you can. Take it one step at a time. Give your child/teen the opportunity to join with you on keeping them safe. Read up on the dangers your child is facing. Don’t leave them wide open for attack.

All of these precautions sounds like it comes from someone who does not trust their child. Of course not! We trust our children – we just don’t trust the devil inside them. Our children are under attack now more than ever. The efforts to desensitize them to immorality, train them to accept what is the cultural norm, and replace real relationships with digital ones are affecting our children day by day and hour by hour.

Do yourself and your offspring a favor. Know where they are digitally. Reinforce your relationship with them so they are comfortable with talking to you about where their device is taking them. Know that they will thank you in the future for keeping them safe today.

Go find your kid.

Mowing the lawn is probably one of my most favorite chores to do once the weather gets warm. And it sounds a bit sick, but I will even mow other people’s yards as a favor to them. I thoroughly enjoy looking over a fresh – cut yard, with everything edged, trimmed, and blown off. I even go through the trouble of bagging the clippings so everything looks perfect. It’s the best.

If my Dad was reading that last paragraph, I am sure it would have enticed a chuckle, smirk, or snort of disbelief.

It would be safe to say that as a teenager, mowing the lawn was not high on my priority list. Safer to say that I avoided it like the plague.

We kind of established things early on, that since my younger brother couldn’t stand housework, that he would do the outside work and I would take the bulk of the inside work. That was how things were done at this stage in our lives. This was the way. Leave it to Dad to throw a monkey wrench into a perfectly good system. I was sent out to mow the grass and my brother either got a pass on chores or he was assigned something else.

So out I went, less than pleased, and even less than committed to doing a good job.

Problem with me – as it always has been – is that I am easily distracted, and mowing a large, odd shaped yard like we had was a problem because of the mundane repetition that it presented. I would mow the perimeter, then go back and forth one way, then went perpendicular to the lines I started, pretty sure I did some crop circles after that, then went back to my first lines, back to the perimeter, some more perpendicular lines, and at some point after that, I got lost in my own yard and couldn’t figure out where to mow next. So I stopped. Confident that I had spent enough time and effort on that chore.

Then the inspection came.

My Dad is a West Point graduate. I don’t know that I ever asked him if he enjoyed military inspections, but I think he had to perform some at some point. So either the inspection of our work was an enjoyable pastime for him or he wanted us to share in his pain. Either way, his inspections were short, thorough, and often vague.

He said : “It’s not right. Do it again.”

I responded with something like: “What’s not right about it? Show me or tell me what to fix so I can be done with it.”

“Do it ALL again.” (this ended the discussion)

Now I was mad, but had little option other than obedience, so I gassed up the mower again and mowed the entire yard again. This time, anger provided focus and I was determined to not have to repeat this chore. So I got the yard done, put every thing away, and still had enough energy to stomp into the house. And there was Dad. I was sure I was in for something, and sure enough he hit me with a doozie:

“Make the sandwich”

Ok Mr. Miyagi. Paint the fence, wax on wax off, sand the floor, now make the sandwich. What in the blue moon are you talking about?

Dad took time to explain his statement. He knew that there was one specific passion that he and I both shared then – and now for that matter. One thing that he could ask me to do at any time of the day, and I would gladly do it with precision, focus, attention to detail, and joy.

Making sandwiches.

I thoroughly enjoy making a good sandwich, and my Dad thoroughly enjoys eating a well-made sandwich. I am particular with ingredients, the right kind of mayo (we won’t start that debate – there isn’t one – it’s Dukes), good sandwich meat – sliced at the deli, fresh lettuce, tomatoes, on and on – it doesn’t stop, and now I want to make a sandwich.

Dad saw the effort, attention, focus, dedication, and heart that I put into making a sandwich, and he wanted to see it in everything else I did. “That’s not my thing” didn’t compute to him, or maybe it did, and the conclusion was something he didn’t care for. Dad was constantly putting us into situations where we had to do the job right and do it well, or it would be done again. Didn’t matter what it was, if he saw value in it being done correctly, we did it until it was correct. Coincidentally, I am really good at tying a canoe on top of a car. Proficient. Don’t test me.

I can’t thank him enough for those lessons.

So my question, to myself and to the reader: How high do you raise the bar for your children? What great expectations do you have for them?

Mind you, I do believe there is danger in trying to live vicariously through your children – forcing them to follow in your footsteps or succeed where you failed. But this isn’t that.

This is simply challenging your children – your teenager – to do things well. Whether it’s schoolwork, school projects, athletic competition, a job, a hobby, or otherwise – asking for their best, and not settling for sub-par. Children and teens alike often find themselves just getting the job done, completing the assignment, passing the class. Many of them place themselves in the category of whatever everyone else is doing, on par with their peers, or what the average person their age is doing.

I remember coming home after my Sophomore year of college, pretty satisfied with my efforts that year. I paid my way through college, so any year I finished was an accomplishment to me. Considering the hours that I had worked while taking a full credit load, I was also pretty content that I had passed all my classes. I was even happy with my C+ in New Testament Greek. My Dad took a look at my grades when they came in the mail – his attention was drawn to the GPA at the top of the page. He simply remarked “I think you can do better than that. I think you are able to have a 3.0 or better.”

Once I got past my initial reactions of – how dare he, and doesn’t he know how much I worked to pay my bill, and does he know how many guys flunked Greek? I realized that without fail, he had seen sub-par effort and raised the bar yet again. Needless to say, my Junior year (my hardest year) saw a 3.0 and the best grades I ever had.

I think we are afraid that if we appropriately raise our level of expectations for our children, that they will resent us or fall apart if they fall short. And yet the simple solution is that if we raise the bar of expectation, that we also raise the bar of parenting. So how do we do this?

• Know their Limits. Not every child is academically or athletically inclined, but they are capable of the success that God has created them to have. Some kids are A+ kids and some are C+ kids – doesn’t matter – but an A+ kid shouldn’t have a C and a C+ kid shouldn’t have an F. It’s about effort. Know which one yours is and push them to their best – which, keep in mind, may not be your best.
• Know their Passions. Whether they are academic or athletic, or as I am discovering in my own house – creative, identify what they excel at and fuel it. They still need a basic and fundamental education, but they also need a pastime or hobby that gets them motivated, focused, and determined to do better.
• Know their Blind Spots. A lot of kids will never see the value in making their bed every morning and cleaning their room (habit). Or finishing their homework and turning projects in on time (deadlines). Being on time for school isn’t a big deal to most of them (punctuality). We could go on and on. Know that while you emphasize these little things now, you form their character for the future. Messiest roommate I ever had was like that because his parents cleaned his room for him up to the day he went to college. He literally didn’t know how to do basic cleaning. Thanks for that Mr. and Mrs. Messy Roomate.

The goal should be to teach and to train a young person in every aspect of life possible until they are a well rounded, competent, functioning adult. I, and I am sure countless others, can easily trace their adult successes back to the training from parents who just wanted their child to do his/her best.

Let’s not fail our children by failing to be their parent.

My darling wife woke me up in the middle of the night several years ago with an exclamation that both shook me awake and shot my adrenaline through the roof at the same time.

“The house is on fire!”

As I jumped from our bed, I swear my feet hadn’t even hit the floor and I already had a list in my mind of what we were saving first.

1. Our oldest son. There was only one kid at this time. Thank goodness – it takes forever for us to get out of the house now, we never would have made it with all four.
2. Computer, file box, and car keys. These were all pretty close together and it would have been difficult or expensive to replace them.
3. My wife. Knowing her, she would have tried to clean the house as we were leaving so it was clean while it burned down.
4. Anything we could throw out the window. Starting with clothes and going from there.

In an instant, I had my list, had a plan, and was moving to execute that plan when my wife chimed in again. “What are you doing? The house next door is on fire, not ours.”

We had a very short, but very clear discussion on communication once the sun came up.

It’s amazing how a moment of sheer terror like that provides intense clarity at a moment’s notice. I didn’t even have to consider what was important to me. I just knew.

Imagine that there was an actual fire and I had to grab everything in the world that mattered to me, but I had a bad case of misplaced priorities. Instead of grabbing my family as the flames consumed our house, I ran outside and moved the car so no ash or embers messed with the paint job. Or as our file box began to melt and our life’s documents were lost forever, I ran into the family room and boxed up my gaming station with all the games I could get my hands on. As our son’s clothes smoldered and burned, I pulled the propane grill off the deck so we could grill some burgers as we sifted through the charred remains of the house.

I think you get the point. That would be foolish. Stupid even. There are some things that matter in life, and some things that do not. Things that you can in fact live without – and things that you wouldn’t want to imagine a life without.

Hopefully you don’t have a wake up call like a fire or another emergency that jars you into categorizing things in order of importance. Hopefully it’s something you do on a regular basis. But if not, ask yourself now –

“What is the most important thing in my life?”

For me, it is pretty simple.

1. My relationship with God. Everything I do and say is filtered by how it affects that relationship.
2. My relationship with my Wife. Duh.
3. My relationship with my family. I can succeed in everything else I do, but if I fail in that, it’s all worthless.
4. My relationship with others around me. Teenagers I minister to, those who I work with, the body of Christ, extended family, neighbors, people in my path.
5. Everything else. Fishing and hunting. Ice Cream.

Now, run your list through your day to day activities and see if your actions match up with your words. If a certain relationship makes your top three, what effort goes into that relationship? Do you work to improve it, maintain it, or keep it breathing? Or does that relationship exist in word only and not in deed? What activities run your life for you?

What do your priorities communicate to your children?

It’s hard to convince your children that you have a relationship with God if you are hardly in His house, spending time with his people – your brothers and sisters in Christ. What do you say to them when a wife you hardly talked to, or were affectionate with, walks away from the marriage that was a high priority – but was hardly worth your time. How do you rationalize missing another milestone in your child’s life because a misplaced priority explained their worth to you far better than you could ever verbalize.

Actions confirm priorities.

And what one generation does in moderation, the next will do in excess. See, as we pick and choose what is important to us, our children watch and learn and make decisions for themselves for now and the future.

As a kid, I remember getting up in the morning and seeing what my parents prioritized. Coffee, open bibles, a mother praying for her family. A father preparing his heart for the day. I recall a husband and wife who walked through a lot together – much that I saw, and I am sure much more that I didn’t see. Two faithful Christ followers who served in every church we were a part of. A mother and father who trained their children to serve their own families. I saw that some things are fun, but not important, and many important things are not fun. They helped me understand priorities, whether they meant to or not.

So what do your children see? Are you actively displaying the priorities you verbalize? Could they pick your top three out of a line up, or would they embarrass you with their conclusions? And what priorities will they form out of their exposure to yours? Would you want your child to be a carbon copy of you? Almost every day, I see teenagers with misplaced priorities and parents who expect them to value what they don’t, prioritize what they haven’t, and rise where they’ve fallen. Yet right beside them are teenagers who are working hard on things that matter, pushing towards the bar that a committed parent has set high, making no excuses, learning from mistakes.

So how do we move forward?

• Model what you are mandating. If you push a priority on your kids, make sure that priority is an active part of your own life.
• Proof your priorities. Run them through the filter of Scripture and evaluate if they truly matter in the light of eternity. What matters to God should matter to us. The rest is just vapor, rust, and dust.
• Consider the consequences. What we emphasize or de-emphasize in our home will train the next generation. Are these priorities training them for a better relationship with God, family, and neighbors, or will they be counterproductive?

I am forever thankful for the priorities that were imprinted on me at an early age. They have served me well and gotten me through a lot in life. There are things that I wish were a priority when I was younger, and they are a struggle now.

We have one shot with these kids entrusted in our care.

Let’s make it a priority.

I like rules. Big fan of them. I’ve heard that there are three kinds of “rules” people. 1) The guy who follows all the rules, and writes them 2) The guy who pushes the boundaries of the rules, and questions them 3) The guy who blazes forward until the rules yank him back, and denies their existence. I am the first guy for sure.

I have had rules all my life. Still do. Some are regulated by my job, some by society, several by my family, and quite a few I have established for myself. So it’s natural for me to insist that people around me follow rules. They are important to me, and I really think that if more people followed the rules, life would be better. Take lines for example. People getting in lines anywhere, for any reason, you see why rules are important. 10 items or less/fewer, merge now, EZ Pass only, members only, etc. When people follow the rules, things work. For the most part.

As a Dad, I love rules. Bedtime is at 8:00PM, no eating downstairs, clean up after yourself, can’t watch that, can’t do that, can’t say that, don’t you ever even think about waking Mom and Dad up on Saturday before 9:00AM. As the kids get older, the rules change. Some get more specific, some go away, more get added – the family rule book is pretty much written in pencil and we are constantly making amendments.

One rule we have had is really important –

“Don’t ask Why.”

“Why” is disrespect. It’s rebellion. It’s the beginning of anarchy. I never got to question why – and neither do you. I’m the parent, that’s why, now stop talking, finish your dinner, and chew with your mouth closed (the most holy of all rules).

And yet this question, asked properly, is not an act of defiance or of disobedience – but a plea for understanding. A request for knowledge. A desire to continue to obey and respect authority in wisdom, not ignorance.

I have heard this question several times from my oldest. Little punk. Why do I need to go to bed at 8:00PM? Why is my screen time limited to just two hours a day? Why do I have to clean the bathrooms twice a week? Why this and why that. It’s hard to read all these Why questions without hearing disrespect – but he legitimately does the asking at the right time and in the right spirit. More or less.

As adults, we understand the ‘why’ behind most of life’s rules. Speed limits makes sense – drive too fast and you can die and kill others around you, crosswalks are good – need to be able to get across the road at a safe place, and who can deny the benefit from gender specific restrooms? Protecting women everywhere from seeing, smelling, and hearing things that would traumatize them for years. We get the why, because either someone explained it to us – either calmly or angrily, or because we figured it out for ourselves.

It’s at this exact time in my son’s life that my authority is on the same plane as my influence, that our relationship is just as important as my rules. And soon, as he continues to grow, influence and relationship will win out over authority and rules. Rules will never go away or be unnecessary, but they won’t be the driving force in a lot of decisions he makes in his life.

If we as adults and authority, at this crucial junction in their lives, work harder on developing our relationship with the youth around us, the work of enforcing rules will take care of itself.

Don’t believe me? Let me ask you this –

When was the last time you disobeyed a rule? Broke the speed limit? Jaywalked? Parked in a no parking area? Fifteen items in a ten item lane? When was the last time you were called out for breaking that rule – got a ticket or a fine, or an angry look from a cashier? You get a slap on the wrist, you shrug it off and move forward.

Now when was the last time you disappointed someone you cared about? An authority figure or mentor? A parent or maybe even a good friend? How easy was it to shrug that one off?

I don’t like disobeying a rule, but I hate disappointing someone. It gnaws at me and prods me to do whatever I can to restore that relationship. A broken rule – I’ll just try not to break that again (or get caught breaking it again). A broken relationship – I’ll never want to go through that again.

So how do we develop our relationships?

• Love on the youth around you. Be appropriate, but be genuine. At the end of the day, they want love and affection more than anything else. It’s not a physical connection – but an emotional one. Know what’s going on with them and what is important to them. Listen to them.
• Respect them as adults. That’s kind of tough, because we see us in them and remember what a screw up we were, but they are not incompetent. They are just as physically and mentally capable of anything we are. Most things are just legal for us. If an adult respectfully challenges a rule, we hear them out. Do the same for our youth and give them the respect of an honest answer.
• Give them a chance. I firmly believe that if you give a teenager an ounce of responsibility, they will repay it with a pound of success. Set the bar high for youth – and work alongside them – and you will be amazed at how much they will do and how hard they will work.

Do I have rules for the youth I interact with? Absolutely. Always will. But the rule I have for myself, is to double the effort of establishing a relationship with each one, over the effort of enforcing the rules.

At the end of the day, it’s a relationship that will keep them close to us, it’s a relationship that will keep them close to Christ.

Let’s work on it.

Back in the day – say 20 years ago, give or take, it wasn’t too difficult to figure out where you stood in life. Success and popularity in high school was a tangible and measurable thing. If you could shoot a basketball or throw a football, you knew that you had that going for you. If your grades kept you on the honor roll or at the top of the class, you were made in the shade drinkin pink lemonade. Or maybe you were that kid and you set the fashion bar pretty high, had the right shoes, right brand, right haircut, right everything. Shoot, you could be the class clown, class jock, class nerd, or class president, and you knew where you stood.

Now I was never a big fan of the social totem pole – mostly because I was the squirrel at the bottom – but it was a real physical thing, right or wrong.

It seems to me though, that even if someone was at the bottom of the pile, or was in the middle trying to scramble to the top, that we didn’t struggle with the level of anxiety or depression that we see in teenagers today. Maybe I was just clueless and in my own world – still am at times – but teen suicide wasn’t a as common an occurrence as it is now. As I look around, meet with teens, and talk with parents, I am burdened with the weight of the social, emotional, and mental issues these teens are facing on a daily basis.

So what changed?

Things got better didn’t they? Technology is moving at light speed, we can communicate far better than ever, we have more friends than ever, can take better pictures on our smartphone than with a regular camera, we can get packages brought to our door the same day we order them, and we don’t even have to get in the car to go get fast-food anymore! It comes to us!

So why are our teens and kids depressed?!

Because they are trying to find real worth in an un-real world.

Think about it.

Social media and entertainment present societal and cultural norms to our youth at the speed of light, and as soon as they figure out what is acceptable and “lit“, it changes. Our fads back in the day could last for months or longer, and anyone had time to catch up to them, now, they last hours or days and Lord help you if you are an hour late to that party. And even if they catch the new norm in time, they find out it’s not even real, wether they admit it or not.

Take the “most interesting man in the world”. Remember him? The “stay thirsty my friends” guy. Yeah, I know it was a beer commercial, just hang with me. He was this amazing guy who did all these crazy things all over the world and mosquitos didn’t even bite him, so you should drink the drink he was drinking. I guess I was paying too much attention to those commercials. Probably why I read the article about him when I saw it. Turns out the guy they used for the commercials actually lives in New England, and he’s hardly gone anywhere or done anything. He really lives a boring life. Which, coincidentally, sounds preferable. But the point is, it’s not real.

Hardly any of it is. At least, not what our youth is getting sucked into.

There’s lots of people doing good things on social media and use it to advance good, healthy, encouraging causes. But, there’s a lot of social media and entertainment that contribute to a fantasy world that our youths try to live and excel in on a daily basis. They spend hours a day trying to find their worth, their acceptance, their popularity in ever changing, ever fickle standards that captivate and control them.

And then it happens. The system turns on them. Cyberbullies attack, friends unfollow, private messages are screenshot and distributed, they are used and abused, and left alone to process it all. Or their invisible activity becomes visible to authority and consequences sever their digital connection to the outside world. The unreal becomes very real and very heavy in an instant.

So what do we do to help them?

• Talk. I know that when you set up your teen’s social media, that you talked with them about the dangers of social media, knowing who was following them, keeping conversations and pictures clean, etc. That safety briefing aside, keep the conversation going. Ask them how things are going much like you would ask them how their day was at school. Reality is, many of them spend as much time on tech per day as they do in the classroom.
• Reinforce. Praise them when the opportunity presents itself. They need to know that real worth is not in the digital world, but in the physical world. And make sure they have a physical world to be a part of. Keep that family unit intact and interactive. Don’t let screens replace face to face family time.
• Protect. The dangers that social media and entertainment present are real and the damage they inflict can be extensive and long lasting. If you allow your teen unfiltered, unrestricted, and unsupervised access on smart devices, you are setting them up for failure. Odds are you don’t leave loaded guns in their rooms or encourage them to take the minivan around 695. If you don’t know how to protect them, Google it. Even the Internet knows how dangerous the Internet is.

Teens have it far better and far worse than we did. Let’s do everything we can to help them survive.

The age-old struggle of raising children and teenagers has never been more difficult that right now. Our kids and teens are plagued with temptation and distraction, while we as parents are trying to understand and keep up with their ever changing world. 

Suddenly we look up and the baby we brought home from the hospital is reaching for the car keys and heading to his or her high school graduation, and just like that, our chance to raise them right has passed and we hold our breath in prayer that we did it right. 

We don’t have much time. And what time we do have is contested at every turn. I sat down and worked some numbers in an effort to understand how much time we have with our teenagers. Want to see what I found? 

• Life. When we are talking teen years, let’s talk about from the time they are in sixth grade until they graduate. 7 years. That’s a pretty long time. It’s 2,555 days. 2,555 opportunities to make an impact, train, encourage, and develop a teenager into a responsible adult. But of course, we don’t have them for all that time. They are doing other things. Lets see what those numbers do to our time with them. 

• School. A necessity. If they spend a normal amount of time in school, they are spending 1,764 days in school over the 7 years. That’s a lot, so choose wisely, because their school will set them on a path for success or failure. Participate in their schooling. Watch their grades and their behavior.
  
• Entertainment. Most searches you will do online will come up with the same number. The average teen spends 9 hours a day on entertainment. We call it “screens” in our house. If it has a screen, it is entertainment. Let’s be conservative with this number and say they are only on screens for 5 days a week. That’s still 45 hours a week, 2,340 hours a year. Over their teenage life, they will spend a staggering 682 days being entertained. Wow. 

• Food. Teens eat. They eat often and they eat a lot. You can’t talk about teenagers without factoring food into it somewhere. Just eating 3 meals a day, most eat 4, and we can’t even calculate the snacks, they eat almost 320 days of their teenage life. And they don’t gain a stinking pound.

• Sports. Lots of teens play sports. It’s good for them – gets them off the screens and they can’t eat at the same time. Lets just consider school sports for now, to work with a manageable number. School sports start when school does and runs to the end of the year. Practices, tryouts and games non-stop. If they play all school year, in multiple sports, 4 practices a week, 2 hours a practice, they could be practicing and participating for 84 days in their teen sports career. Even if they play just one sport a year, they could see 28 days of practice. 

• God. As a Youth Pastor, I have heard that in many churches, the burden of making a spiritual impact in the lives of our teenagers is my responsibility. I wouldn’t argue with that. What troubles me is how much time I have to work with. If they are at church every Sunday for sunday school and morning service, and they are back for youth group on Wednesday, I have them for 3 hours each week. Over their teen life, I have less than 44 days to make an impact on them. Over half of our teen ministry only attends on Wednesday. So if they are with me for an hour each week, I have 14 days to impact them. 

These numbers are estimates. Some things take less time – but many take more. And we didn’t account for any other activities or time with friends. If you start subtracting the 2,555 days – School (1,764) – and Entertainment (682) – and Sports (84), you are left with little time to impact your teenager. Choose their environment and their schedule wisely. 

It’s About Time. 

For some reason, 2020 feels different. I can’t quite figure out what it is just yet, odds are I won’t until 2021. But it feels like more needs to be done, as if I don’t prioritize my efforts and focus on what is actually important, then the year could end up being a waste.

I remember waiting up on December 31st, 1999 with canned goods all stocked up and ready for the economical collapse of Y2K. As the ball dropped in Times Square, we went around and shut the lights off in the house like that was going to help things when the world shut down. Midnight came and went, but the only catastrophic result was how much beans and canned vegetables we had to eat over the next few months.

There’s a feeling I get, when I look around and my life and the lives of others around me, that we are putting a lot of effort into things like canned goods for Y2K. There are things we fear, things we want, things we need, things that matter, and things that don’t matter that take up our focus and efforts.

My effort with this blog is just to express thoughts on things that matter, things that help. Obviously, as a Christ follower and a Youth Pastor, I really do believe that God and His Word matters and helps. As a husband and father, I have come across much that matters and helps, and there is still tons more to come. I’ve been known to find humor in a lot of things, and at times, that matters and helps.

So that’s my focus. My goal for this blog and for this year. To do and say what matters and helps.

I hope it does!